I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom