If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Pizza is an emotion right?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
he was correct
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses