Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
You Might Also Like
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”