me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…