Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
🤭😂
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.