video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My Sentiments Exactly
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam