[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
crochet youtube is brutal
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
🙁
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”