Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
You Might Also Like
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
A French press is when you hug naked
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next