Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know