me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
🚲+physics = winner
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?