[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”