Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK