Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish