I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.