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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
58.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?