My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
never compromise your values
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?