I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
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a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons