Not even remotely sorry.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.