Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Oh boy, $150,000!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?