Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.