[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When your man makes a valid point
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.