My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
それは草
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?