Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Feels like there should be a middle ground
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.