[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
We decided to have money instead of children.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
They also CAN sing✌️
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.