Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.