I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.