I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.