the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
You Might Also Like
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
never forget
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!