It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
LMAO
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
okay run it by me one more time
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.