[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?