‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
You Might Also Like
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.