Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.