Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.