Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end