Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence