Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
WHY would you be happy about this?
The “baby” on the left….
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Come back with a warrant
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?