I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged