Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Mhm.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence