You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.