*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
You Might Also Like
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.