What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.