My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]