[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.