JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.