How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
craving $300 all of a sudden
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.