“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower