Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be