me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
sliding into dms like
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her