I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Autocarrot sucks!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.