In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.